We issued ourselves a simple challenge: “Don’t be on a screen when someone else is in the room with you.”
Here’s how it went.
JORDAN
At first the challenge seemed straightforward: If someone else is in the room with me, I should stay off of a screen.
Rosanna and I issued this challenge to ourselves at the end of our podcast Episode 11 and decided to try this for a week.
MY RESULTS
I failed. I failed consistently throughout the week. I surprised myself by how much I failed, and feel like I may need to seek our independent counsel to overcome what is clearly a screen addiction.
WHY THE CHALLENGE
So before I delve into my specific reflections on my performance with this challenge, I want to explain why we challenged ourselves with this in the first place.
Throughout the course of our conversation, Rosanna and I noted how many screens we have as a family (I think 14 was the final count) and recognized we use these screens when we don’t have to.
While we often use our screens for communication, information, and entertainment in appropriate ways, we also recognized that we are looking at these screens at times that we just don’t need to, resulting in flat out ignoring and tuning out the people around us.
We thought it would be good to be more reflective about our screen use. After all, we don’t want to ignore our children and one another for the sake of mindlessly consuming needless digital content. So we issued this “simple” challenge to ourselves and decided that we’d separate screen time from face-to-face time.
The goal was to pay more attention to the people around me, without the distraction of a device.
HOW MY WEEK WENT AND WHAT I LEARNED
So even though I thought I would do okay with this challenge – after all, it seems pretty clear cut whether I’m looking at a screen around someone else or not – I found this to be exceptionally difficult.
Here are some of the reasons why. Let me know if you can relate to any:
I carry my screens everywhere. Without thinking about it, I’d have my phone in my pocket, my iPad in my arms. If I leave my bedroom, I’d carry at least one device with me down into the kitchen or office. There is a feeling of “I feel like I want this close by just-in-case.”
I’m not so innocent. It’s easy for me to point out to Rosanna when she’s transgressing the challenge or ignoring me. But there were plenty of occasions where I was a culprit of looking at a screen around her or my kids – and I knew I was looking at a screen around them – and I still kept looking at it and ignoring them. What was I thinking?!
I’d make excuses.
- “I just want to look at this quick thing.”
- “No one is actually paying attention to me right now.”
- “I’ve earned this.”
- “This is actually somewhat important that I get to, right here right now.”
These are several of the statements that went through my mind as I accessed a screen right in front of a family member. I knew that none of these excuses was legitimate. Our challenge even allowed for plenty of screen use as long as we went somewhere else in the house for enough time to attend to what we needed to. I just made the excuses so I could do what I wanted when I wanted, at the expense of my attention to others.
When I wasn’t sure what to do, I’d look at a screen. There are numerous points throughout the day when I have several moments without a specific obligation. What do I do in those moments? My default is to look at a screen. Can’t I think of something better to pay attention to? I might give more of my face-to-face attention to my family or be more productive.
I’d waste loads of time. There isn’t really that much “important” stuff to do on a screen. Sure, when I had work to do, I’d work on a screen. When I wanted to be entertained, I’d be entertained with a screen. This was all well and good, but there were plenty of moments – even without family members around or violations of this week’s challenge – that I just plain wasted time.
OF COURSE IT WASN’T A COMPLETE FAILURE
I don’t want to mislead you to think that I’m a total addict. There were lots of positive times when I’d leave the screens elsewhere in the house and give my full attention to Rosanna and the kids. We went for bike rides, we played games, we read books, we talked and laughed. I had moments of “where did I leave my phone?” and “I’m glad I can’t access a screen right now.”
As I look back on the week, I can definitely say that I did a better job than in prior weeks giving the people I love my full attention. But I can do more. Much more.
WHERE I NEED TO GO FROM HERE
So what did I learn and where do I go from here?
First, I think I can do a better job looking at faces and not devices if I keep my devices away. For the most part, this means in my office or bedroom. I really don’t need to carry them around the house with me.
Second, I can set aside time to look at my devices guilt-free, to get whatever I need to do with them out of my system. I can communicate to Rosanna something like, “Give me 10 minutes to go flick on my screen,” or “I’m going to go do some work for the next hour in the office.” I can give myself the space and freedom to do what I feel like I need to do, so that I can better release myself from them when it’s time to focus on someone else.
Finally, I can keep asking Rosanna to hold me accountable. It is super-annoying but super-effective to have her say, “Look at me!” or “Your son is talking to you!” or “I thought you were going to keep that screen away.” Having someone call me out and hold me to my values will help with me breaking this obviously bad habit and improving the face-to-face quality time I claim is so important.
ROSANNA
During Epidsode 11: “Look at Faces, Not Devices,” Jordan and I discussed technology and the influence it has on our relationships, our health, and our day-to-day lives. At the end of our episode, we closed by setting a one week challenge regarding our phone/device usage.
My challenge had to do with the Joy of Missing Out (JOMO). That I would find joy in missing out –missing out on what other people are doing and posting about via social media. That I would enJOY my life without feeling the need to document, record, and post every moment for others.
So let’s take a look at how I did as I tried to embrace the “Joy of Missing Out.”
. . . . .
Jordan and I recorded the episode on Friday afternoon, and even though we had just given ourselves this challenge, it didn’t really click right away because when I found myself with a few idle moments to spare between recording our episode and prepping dinner, I resorted to an almost automatic response of picking up my phone and checking my social media accounts while leaning against the counter.
Jordan had started a conversation with me, and instead of being fully present and engaging with him, my eyes were fixed on my phone. He kindly reminded me that our challenged had started and that if I wanted to use my device, I should excuse myself from the room and then come back when I was ready to be fully present with our family. Because I was in a common area of the house I should be looking at faces, and not devices.
Yep, five minutes in, and I had failed. This was going to be harder than I thought. But like all good things that are worth it, they are often hard. I’ll admit, I felt a little defensive after that statement. Who wants to be called out? And, who wants to break old habits? I mean we say we do, but do we?
So, what did I do? I’m glad you asked. It was two things. First, I turned off notifications for my phone. No more texting “pings” or other notifications. Second, I had to literally start physically distancing myself from my phone. For the rest of the week, I would try and leave it in a room I wasn’t in. If I was upstairs, I’d leave it downstairs. If I was at the gym, I’d leave it at home. If I was on a bike ride with the family, I did the same. I had to start this interior monologue with myself. It was this half pep talk, half reminder that no one needed me, no one needed to know what I was doing, nor did I need to see what other people were up to. And for the most part, that worked. That, coupled with my partner in crime being home and also paying attention to my screen usage. Talk about accountability!
Did I stop using my phone completely? Well, no. I still used my phone to order my groceries, to conduct calls with potential clients, and even updated our podcast social media feed, as well as my personal business feed. BUT, I found a way to do that more efficiently (thanks to an app called Later—which allowed me to plan my social media content and release at scheduled times) and without incessantly scroll, watch, engage, compare, critique and waste hours on there.
So what did this allow me to do this week? I chose things that were much better for my health and sanity. I spent more time outdoors. I was more still, more quiet, more thoughtful. And, I spent more quality time with people. It was the same quantity of time, but I wasn’t buried in my phone when I was with them. I made a point to really look at them, to hear them, to see them, instead of allowing them to be in the background of my phone usage. I made a decision to not let my phone be a distraction from the very beautiful life that is right here in front of me.
And let me be totally honest. I did scroll on social media. I did post a couple things too. But, the difference for me was that I didn’t do those things when I was in the company of other people. I didn’t do those things at times or places where my attention should have been elsewhere (like with my kids, or in the car, during a meal, or while spending time with other people).
JOMO (the joy of missing out) is essentially about being present and being content with where you are at in life. When we stop filling any and every idle moment with a screen and a distraction, we have more time and energy to relentlessly pursue a life worth living. So, the question for all of us remains:
How much time are we taking away from our real lives to spend time on social media?
Need some help with this? Here are few ways that might help:
So there’s our summary of our not-so-successful-experience-with-this-challenge-but-optimistic-reflection-and-steps-for-improvement experience. Please share YOUR experiences with your screen time use and let us know if you can relate to anything we’ve shared or if you have any other tips that can help us out.
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