Episode 3: The 6 Most Important Questions We Ask Ourselves

Jordan
Hello, and welcome to Episode Three of the relentless pursuit podcast. How are you doing today?

Rosanna
Doing great. The sun is out.

Jordan
It’s beautiful day. So today’s format for the show will be a little bit different. Normally, previous episodes and upcoming episodes will focus on an unscripted conversation that Rosanna and I share, but today we have just some straight up tips that we’re going to share with you. The title of today’s episode is “Six important questions that we asked ourselves.” And we’re going to share with you six important questions that we ask ourselves. And in the show notes you can find more questions that we actually go back and forth with one another about as well. But today what we want to share with you is based on the notion that we have a certain quality of life that we can attain based on the quality of the questions that we ask ourselves because these questions will compel us to think and reflect on the kind of choices that we make that go into our day to day routines. So we’re pretty excited to share these with you.

Rosanna
Yeah, I think I just remember kind of growing up, and always being afraid to ask questions, and I’m not really sure, like, where that came from. But I kind of see that sometimes with our kids to where they just like, have a question about something, but they’re not sure if they can ask it or how to ask it or if it’s like appropriate to ask.

Jordan
I used to be the same way.

Rosanna
Like that you’re afraid like if you ask it, you’re admitting that you don’t know. And now as an adult, more and more, I just think about like when I don’t know I asked more questions because like, I want to find out because I want to get better, or I’m looking to achieve or acquire or attain something. And so even we’ve started doing this with our kids is just having an open, open conversation about questions. “Hey, you know, you were asking me a question about this, what do you want to know?” And we tell them to always try and find the answer. So when they do bring up a question, like we’re even saying, like, Hey, why don’t you grab your Chromebook from school? And like, let’s take a look at that. Let’s figure out, you know what that’s about. And let’s learn more so that we have, you know, the knowledge and the tools to like, get us closer to where we want to be.

Jordan
Yeah, the thing about a question is that it forces you to start thinking of an answer. And when we ask one another questions, it forces us as a couple. We’re gonna steer our ships in hopefully a stronger direction.

Rosanna
Yeah, you know, when we introduced our podcasts, we talked about taking life off autopilot, and living a life together intentionally. And I think that intentionally part is always stopping. Like, you know, taking off the gas, pedal your foot off the pedal on the gas, and asking yourself these questions to figure out where we want to go instead of just going. So if we want to dive right in? All right.

Jordan
So here are six questions coming at you. What’s number one?

Rosanna
Number one is “what’s working and what’s not?” This, these questions, I think I’ve often looked at what’s working like we can easily identify like what’s working in our lives and our routines. But I’ve never really stopped to ask myself what’s not working. And I just recently did this this past January, a friend had referred this goal planner to me, it’s called the cultivate what matters goal planner. And it’s literally like 30 pages of a series of like questions and areas of your life and it just asks you about them. And two of the pages are, it asks like, let’s talk about the good and talk about the bad and it asks what’s working and what’s not. And for the first time in my life, I sat down and thought what isn’t working like what’s not working for me like what causes like tension, what causes uneasiness, and it made me like make a list like the good things and like they were little things even, and some were big and then the bad things like what’s not working, what’s what’s keeping you from achieving that next goal?

The sources of tension or stress that are unnecessary.

And then it causes you in order to make goals moving forward, then, you know, it asks you to basically address like, what’s not working, what the problem is, and then finding a way out of that to get you where you want to be.

Jordan
I think it’s good to reflect on what’s working as well. So you can recognize and acknowledge that to maybe find reasons why whatever that particular aspect of life is working and to apply it to other areas too.

Rosanna
Agreed. Great. So that’s number one, “What’s working and what’s not?” So it’s a great question to even ask yourself.

Jordan
I really like question number two. Question two is, “What would our future selves tell us right now?” For me, this question, really kind of rose to prominence because there was a moment probably at least seven or eight years ago now when we were a few years into parenting. And we reflected back on the years when we were married, but prior to becoming parents, and we were kicking ourselves saying oh, we could have taken advantage of so much we could have gone out on a Tuesday night and seen a movie if we wanted to. And just it kind of hit us that we were older and wiser and now had a different perspective on previous years. And so I’ve used this question multiple times. And we’ve discussed this ourselves, too. If we could sort of play this game, and fast forward 10 years, what would us 10 years from now tell us about today? And I think we like us today would certainly have input on ourselves 10 years ago, but we can’t go back and relive that. So this kind of changes our perspective and helps us maybe have a little bit more insight about what is really important or what we can take advantage of, but from the vantage point of being older and looking back on us now.

Rosanna
And I think sometimes it’s hard maybe to imagine yourself 10 years from now. So you know, we take the kids ages and you add 10 years, you know, our youngest would be 12 our oldest would be 20 so to think about that is like scary. So sometimes I use that question when we would be –

Jordan
We would be pretty old too.

Rosanna
I use that question with people who are older than us. You know, I’m thankful for the relationship I have with my mom because she’s like a good set of, you know, eyes and ears where like, we’re kind of sometimes stuck in the now and so she’s like, you know what, you know what you’re going to remember about this time, you’re gonna remember this, or, you know what’s not gonna matter? It’s going to be, you know, maybe it’s this or, you know, kind of showing me what to embrace now, what to maybe refocus on and I think that’s been helpful too, is like, asking people who are 10 years ahead of you 20 years ahead of you, you know, when you were this age, you know, what, what did you struggle with, but what are the things you wish you would have remembered? Or or kind of, you know, dive into a little bit better.

Jordan
Yeah. Yeah, like that. What’s number three?

Rosanna
All right. Number three is something I asked you almost every day and maybe this has been because of this shift in you working from Home me working from home, the kids schooling from home this past three or four months, and that is “What do you need? And what’s your vision for the day?” Every time I asked him, he looks at me because like, I want to know the plan. Like, I want to know, do I need to get up and shower because we’re doing something? Or can I get a workout in? So –

Jordan
I think it’s more to it than that too. Because I think it’s it’s been fair to one another. And if we both have, both anticipating certain goals being met in that day, no matter if they’re bigger little, I think it’s important to share what those actually are, before we get into the day, and you get too far into the day to actually accomplish them.

Rosanna
If you let me finish it, that’s exactly what I kind of had in my notes is you have a set of expectations for the day and things you want to achieve and things you want to work on and goals. And so do I so I like to check in with you to see like, Where is he at today? Like sometimes you’re like, you know what I want to do today I just want to have fun with the kids and I want to relax and then I think to myself, great. That’s gonna allow me to accomplish, you know, X, Y and Z. And then you’re always great about Okay, well, what do you need today? And so we share those things. And then you say, Well, if I do this now, then maybe you can do that later. And then we can come together. But I think I think that’s really important is to like set that time. And whether it’s the night before, when you’re in bed together, right over a glass of wine, and during happy hour or in the morning over breakfast like that, we kind of touch base with each other, see where we are and what we need. And then from there, kind of like, set the intention for the day, so that every day isn’t just nothing.

Jordan
Yeah, or unmet expectations.

Rosanna
Right. Because if I have something that I want to do, and I don’t communicate that to you, and it doesn’t get done, then there’s kind of like that brooding resentment of I wish I could have gotten this done. But unless you communicate that need to somebody, there’s no way that they can fulfill that need or help you get there. Yeah, so I think that’s important.

Jordan
So question, are we ready for question four? Sure. Question four. This is one of our questions that we ask ourselves when we’re considering doing something new or different. The question is, “What’s the worst that can happen?” And there’s a lot that goes into this question. Sometimes the worst that can happen is pretty bad. And we have to acknowledge that we should probably back off from whatever we were thinking, but realistically, most things that we’re considering, and for some reason, decide not to do. The fears that hold us back from doing it are often in our head. And we know that our imagination can be a lot more powerful than reality. So we do have some serious questions, or some serious conversation about this question, what really is the worst that can happen and is the worst that can happen that bad? One silly example was our first road trip when we wanted to drive down to Texas. And we were a little nervous about it because we had two kids and the third one baby at the time. And we were nervous about because it’s about a 16 hour drive at least I think it ended up being more like 18. But we were nervous about getting in the car and spending that much time in that enclosed space. And what if and we imagine all the what ifs, we get a flat tire or the engine just explodes or we get lost, or the kids scream their heads off for 18 hours. And once we played through that, we realized that it’s unlikely that any of those would happen, much less all of them. And once we were probably 10 minutes into the actual trip we were like, Oh, this, there’s really not a lot to it. There was a lot in our head that felt like baggage that we were trying to drag into it. But now we feel totally comfortable doing that because we asked ourselves that question, played through it to then actually took action and did it.

Rosanna
Yeah, and for us. What’s funny is I think in every relationship there’s like there’s usually an optimist and and then maybe a pessimist. And so Jordan is an ultimate optimists like, he sees the potential of the great opportunity, like what’s, what’s the worst that can happen? And then I will list out at least 15 like worst case scenarios that can happen. And then his question is always, but would that really be that bad? Like, so what? What would like what would that look like? What would that be? And a lot of times it’s it’s the fear of like shame, right? Or someone like finding like shame of like, we tried for something and it didn’t work out. And then people know about it. And it’s, you know, this, you know, this something that you kind of carry with you that your makes you afraid to move forward.

Jordan
Yeah. I think we’ll talk more about this in one of our future podcasts Well, when we talk about the man in the arena, but this is an important one to ask ourselves. And there’s been some really big things in our lives that we’ve applied this question towards too. And sometimes the worst that can happen is bad and we veer off from it, but a lot of times it helps us sort through our fears and our imagined fears versus the realistic and probable outcomes, and in the end often gives us confidence to act towards something that is new and a little bit scary and different.

Rosanna
I mean, cuz what’s the worst that can happen? Could the kids really scream all 16 hours on the way to Texas? Could there be a diaper blowout or some vomit in the car? Just more fun for the family? Right?

Jordan
That’s what makes happy memories.

Rosanna
All right, you ready for number five? All right, so number five. This one stems from something that we have really instituted this past year. And that is the question how can I love you this week? And that’s something that I talked about in a blog post when we talked about loving the time of Corona and like, how do you love your spouse? How do you love your kids looking at each week and what’s ahead and asking your spouse, what is it that they need? How can I love you? And it really begs the question is what does love look like? You know, if you’re a Gary Chapman fan, right fan, there’s the five love languages that everybody’s heard about. So you’ve got words of affirmation gifts, acts of service, quality time and physical touch. And so you know, usually people fall into one or two of those categories. And so knowing what your partner needs or how they’d like to be showed love, you know, is important. And I think the other thing to talk about too is that changes over time. Right? Like, I don’t need words of affirmation, usually that’s not, I’m just, I can’t say I, I can’t I cannot take a compliment to save my life. I cannot. So I usually don’t need that, but and I’m not really a gift person. I’m usually blown away and floored when I get like something that’s like, kind of on my wish list because I just it’s not like an expectation that I have. But you know, if he wants to spend quality time with me, it like, makes my heart soar. If he like, does something in around the house for me that I’ve been asking for, like, also excited. You know, so it’s just different. I have four kids hanging on me most of the day. So a lot of times it’s it’s not physical touch, like I don’t want you to touch me, but, but you know, some days later cuddle and hold hands and be sweet. So

Jordan
We are big huggers.

Rosanna
We are big huggers. So I think just asking how can I love you this week? And you know that a lot of times that’s around our career too. If I’ve got something, an event coming up, and I have longer hours, you know, how can I keep saying, “How can I love you?” is how can I show my support for you this week? How are we going to make that work? How can I take some of the burden off so that you can work on something that you need to work on? And so I’ve seen it in that way.

Jordan
Yeah, I think it’s that mutual support, but I really like this question. I see it as different from the other questions about like, what are we working on? Or what are ways we can support each other? Or like, What do you need? Because it’s really a question centered around like maintaining that love like, what is something I can do that will show you love and instead of just doing it and making the assumption that you are receiving that love message. It’s nice to ask and to say it well here since I’ve been asked like, here’s at least one thing that would be very loving and very when we share that, then we’re you know, it’s out there in the open we, I think, just assume that the other person is going to act on it as long as it’s reasonable. And then by the end of the week, we feel that much more loved and affirmed.

Rosanna
Yeah, meeting those expectations. Another book I read in the last, maybe it was over a year ago was called Love Does. And it talks about love is taking action, like Love is not a passive thing. So to love someone to be in love to show them love. That’s it takes action. And so it’s not about sitting back. Even asking those questions about expectations and what we need from one another – that takes effort. And so I think that’s something that’s really important is that love takes effort, and even asking someone like directly what they need, and then giving that to them. It’s not that romantic like chocolates and candy and romantic dinner that this is like, um, maintaining kind of love that’s going to build something that lasts a long time.

Jordan
Yeah, I don’t think it’s like I think of going on vacation with you, where you just you and I and like, no one else has a chance to intervene with like, just quality time or whatever, you know, activities we’re doing wherever the vacation may be. But that is big, but it’s also rare. And even if well, when we get back to home, we get back to the day to day, I think that’s where we’re spending the majority of the time. And it’ll make sense that we find ways to love one another in those moments as well. And it might be flowers and dates. But it also might be some some much smaller gestures. It’s just what are ways that we commit to interacting regularly.

Rosanna
Yeah, and communicating that. I mean, it’s communication is like 90% of it. The action is like the small part of it. It’s having the guts to like, ask and receive those things. Very good.

Jordan
All right. Are we at question six already?

Rosanna
We are at question six.

Jordan
All right. So I really like this question as well, because this is a very reflective question. The question is this, are we getting closer or further away? And the reason that we ask one another This question is because, in my opinion, this is what it all comes down to. And it’s it’s not just about getting closer or further from one another, but also getting closer or further from, who we perceive ourselves as and the story that we intend on writing for ourselves. So I think all of us can admit we get incredibly busy with the things that life consists of. And this is one of the things that our podcast is committed to, you know, helping ourselves and others with is just being more intentional and getting out of the routine, getting off autopilot. So when we do establish any sorts of routines or habits, healthy and invigorating though they may be, I think it’s good to come back to this question and say, “Is this creating more of the substance of life that we always said we wanted to create, or just making ourselves busy, and we’re going to look back and be like why did we spend so much time making ourselves busy with that stuff when it was really removing us further from our intended destination?”

Rosanna
Yeah it’s that’s very sounds teacher language but it’s kind of like this self assessment right? Like when we set goals as educators during the year like you set them at the beginning of the year and then you’re always asked to like reflect upon them or even reflect you do this at your job right? Like you set goals or you’re trying to meet benchmarks and then you have to self assess and even your employers will assessed you on those benchmarks. So it’s like that time to kind of like pause and look back and then ask like, yeah, you know, we did all of these things this year, but they’re not moving us any closer to our goals. So that either means two things, you’ve got to change your goal or you’ve got to change how you’re approaching it if you want to, if you want to make it.

Jordan
There’s a scene from there’s a scene from the movie The Godfather to and I’d love to dissect this further and maybe a future podcast, but go and watch this. And I know Godfather 2 to not everyone’s favorite, but there is a moment that I think encapsulates the whole trilogy really well. Do you know what I’m talking about?

Rosanna
No. And I mean, I love Godfather.

Jordan
Maybe I brought this up before. So there’s a short little scene, and it is easily overlooked. But it’s when Michael Corleone goes, and he talks to his mother, and it’s like, at nighttime, I think there’s a fireplace there. And they have this conversation in Italian where he asks his mother, if it’s possible to lose your family, based on the kinds of activities that in business that his family is doing. And his mother looks at him with utter confusion. And she’s like, the whole point is family. So if you’re doing something that could lose the family, then that is just didn’t compute with her. Go and watch it. And you’ll you’ll see that it’s just kind of this remarkable moment where there’s these conflicting interests and values that’s the character Michael Corleone had. But I think that lives out in a lot of ways. We do as well: “Is it possible to lose the very things that we value because of the kind of work or business that we’re engaging in?” And this brings us back to question six, are we getting closer or further away? We have to ask ourselves that questions, because sometimes the answer is we’re getting further away. And that gives us an opportunity to reflect, recalibrate, and move forward better from there.

Rosanna
And I think that’s okay. Because I think we’ve taken opportunities and risks and chances that we think are going are going to get us closer, and maybe that they don’t, they really don’t. But it’s, it’s the point isn’t that you tried it and didn’t work? It’s now figuring out where do you go from here?

Jordan
So those are our six most important questions that we ask ourselves. To be honest, these questions change from time to time. And there might be other questions that we’ve had on this list in previous portions of our lives. And certainly, as we move ahead, we’ll probably have different questions that we ask ourselves as well. But one of the takeaways that we want you to have is that regularly in engaging one another with interesting questions that help you to assess and reassess the quality of life that you’re living will help you really improve your relationship and improve the way you work together to strive towards those elements of life that you really want. We have additional questions as well that we tend to ask ourselves, we’ll include those in the show notes. I’ll include a link to that Godfather scene if I can find it in the show notes as well. And we’ll provide you with some additional resources that we think can help you kickstart some great conversations.

Rosanna
Yeah. So I mean, I think the the biggest takeaway here is it’s not even what the questions are. It’s just that engagement with one another and it doesn’t even have to be a spouse. Let’s say you’re single or you’re not married, right? It could be with friends, it could be with family, people who you trust people who you seek counsel from helping them or them helping you answer these questions and talk through them is really important too.

Jordan
The quality of life is often based on the quality of questions we ask ourselves about it. We hope you enjoyed our conversation. We hope you apply a few of these questions on your own. And leave us a comment if there are any additional questions that you ask yourselves that maybe Roseanne and I can learn from. If you haven’t visited our website yet, it is therelentlesspursuitpodcast.com. You can read some of our latest blog posts and leave a comment there. And if you haven’t yet, please subscribe and give us a five star rating on this podcast. Thank you very much.

Rosanna
Thanks for tuning in, guys.