Love in the Time of Corona – Loving Your Spouse

This is the second post in a three-part series. Read about loving yourself and loving your kids, too!

Jordan and I have been together for 21 years, and married for almost fourteen. In that time, our love has taken many forms—from sweet, innocent love to long-distance love, and from young married newlyweds to our current state of loud-safe-at-home-elearning-four-kids-crazy-while-trying-to-work-and-build-something kind of love.

You know what’s great about love?  It’s deep and it’s wide. It is made up of several different stages, each filled with their own set of sacrifices and surprises. While it’s great to be romantic and spontaneous, love cannot be sustained on those two things alone. A great relationship – especially in the time of Corona – doesn’t just magically happen by itself, though. 

Jordan and I both try and approach our love for each other the same way we do everything else—with a plan and on purpose.  Here’s how we are trying to make room for nothing but love in the time of Corona. So far it’s working for us! Maybe it can work for you too.

Top Five Ways to Love Your Spouse in the Time of Corona:

1. Ask

2. Take

3. Give

4. Schedule

5. Do

We ask each other this question: “How Can I Love You This Week?”

Asking your partner what they need/how they need to be loved is vital. Just as vital as you being able to communicate your needs. Have you ever had expectations for someone, but actually never communicated those? Disaster. 

Before Corona (B.C.), we had started asking each other this question, “How can I love you this week?” It was a great way for us to communicate what we would need from the other person in order to be successful and feel supported, depending on what was going on in our lives because no two weeks were really ever the same for us. When the “stay at home” order was announced back in March, we had to start asking each some very necessary questions that would help us prepare us for how we were going to make our new normal work.  

How have things been going for you and your spouse? Are you and your partner in sync or are stuck in a rut? If so, then you need to start with acknowledging your needs. In my previous post, I discussed knowing who you are and what your needs are. (If you missed that one, go back and take a look.) What could you use this week? What would help you feel good or more on-track? What can you take off your plate? How can your partner support you or help you? Once you’ve figured that out, tell them! But, don’t just think about what you need. Ask them what they need too!

We take turns

Our house is full. Six of us are currently safe at home together, and in order to be able to have time and space to work, we have to take turns as parents. Our kids are nine, seven, five, and almost two so there’s never a shortage of noise, mess or commotion. And just when we’ve met the needs of one child, another chimes in with a request, a complaint, or a poopy diaper.

In order to work from home successfully, one of us has to be with the kids so that the other can focus and work uninterrupted. I wish I could say that taking turns is perfectly balanced around here. And that we have found some kind of magical solution. But it’s not, and we don’t. I’m not sure that will exist for any of us. There’s a constant ebb and flow of workload, deadlines and zoom calls. My goodness, the amount of zoom calls. 

That’s why we operate under the “team work makes the dream work” mantra around here. In order for us both to get our work done, we are constantly tagging each other in and out if we want to be able to stand a chance at successfully work or getting things done (hello laundry, meal-prep, cleaning, grocery shopping, e-learning, not to mention being the entertainment coordinator for four kids). The attitude isn’t 50/50 around here. It’s 100/100. We are both “all in” right now. All in for our kids, and we are all in for each other.

How are you and your partner working together to make life work right now? Are you all in? Whether you’re working from home, reporting in, have kids, don’t have kids, how are you working together for the best possible outcomes?

We give each other the time & space

In any relationship, it is important for both people to maintain some level of autonomy and independence. Why? Because when you are in a healthy relationship you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your dreams, goals, or passions…even during a worldwide pandemic. 

Even though are days are very full right now, we still prioritize giving each other space to work and pursue independent interests. No questions asked. When it’s important to one of us, the other then makes room for it too. A good partner is one who is willing to support and encourage your individual pursuits and interests no matter what. How can you create time and space in your home to allow your partner the space they need to pursue their interests?

But beyond that, we also give each other time for some much needed self-care. Whether it’s time to rest or space to relax we make it happen. Sometimes Jordan will  “send” me to “time out” when he knows the day has been long and my patience with the kids has run short. And when I see that he is exhausted from working and helping keep our kids engaged, I’ll ask him if it’s time for a “dad nap.” The fact that we are both reading each other’s cues and volunteer to “man the ship” so the other can rest or find some sanity means everything right now.

We schedule time together

If you have multiple kids, you probably know how easy it can be to go for days without actually having a chance at a real conversation (especially if you’re constantly tagging in and out with the kids and are working), so we have to be intentional.

We started scheduling time together on Monday nights back in September. Once all four kids are in bed, we head to the couch. Sometimes with a glass of wine, sometimes with the fireplace or some music on. We start with an overview of the week’s schedule answering the 5W’s and H. And then we talk. Like really talk. About fears, feelings, dreams, plans.  

During this Stay at Home order, we have also instituted a 5:00 Happy Hour a few nights a week, which has been so fun and necessary! Since we aren’t rushing to get the kids fed in order to get to baseball or soccer, or any of the other twelve possible commitments we previously had on any given night, we are taking time to laugh, flirt, chat, while enjoying an adult beverage and spending time together while the kids run wild. It’s perfect.

How can YOU be intentional with how you schedule time with your spouse? How can you wield this time to your advantage? If you don’t just want to be roommates or ship that pass in the night, you have to be willing to put work, kids, hobbies and even other people aside to make time with them a priority. Are you ready? 

We do something together

While it’s nice to Netflix and Chill, that doesn’t necessarily help build a thriving marriage.  It’s good to be comfortable with one another, and it’s great to relax together, but how do you avoid a marriage filled with predictability that becomes the void of gain and pursuit? 

There’s this quote that hangs in our bedroom by Antoine de Saint Exupery, “Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.” Think about all the times you’ve worked hand-in-hand with someone. Side by side working towards building something together. What happens? Growth happens. Change happens. A strong foundation is built. Love, respect, and memories are cultivated. 

So what are you are your spouse doing and/or building together? We’ve dabbled with a few things while in quarantine. We’ve goofed around by making Tik-Tok videos together, we’ve shared workouts, and we launched our website and blog in preparation for our podcast.

Our “something” right now is a podcast, but that’s us. What’s yours? It could be anything! I’ve seen people finishing their basement, planting gardens, and adding a dog to the family, cooking together, starting a book club. It doesn’t matter exactly what it is. It’s more about finding the time and the space to dream about something you want and work towards achieving it together. 

It boils down to intentionality

These steps of intentionality are what the two of us are always shooting for. Does it happen ALL the time? Every day? No. Why? Because… life, work, kids, and sheer exhaustion. But when intentionality is a part of the plan, then at least we have a fighting chance. That’s the basket. That’s our aim. We are always shooting for these things. And at times, we are very consistent and on fire. When you know where to shoot and where to aim, then you take the time to plan how to get there.  We are shooting for a thriving marriage. What are you shooting for?

When we all look back on this unique time in our lives and at our relationship with our spouse, whether it’s a year from now, five years from now, ten years from now, how do we want to remember it? What story do we want to be able to tell?