Love in the Time of Corona – Loving Yourself

 

 

This is the first post in a three-part series. Read about loving your spouse and loving your kids, too!

In this three-part series titled “Love in the Time of Corona,” why on Earth would I start with how I’m loving myself? Here’s why!

Have you ever heard the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup”? I have continued to see this more and more in my journey as a wife, mother, and entrepreneur. And, if I am completely honest, at times, I play the “martyr card.” I wear it as a badge of honor every time I give up what I need to make sure someone else has what they need. 

But you know what I’ve decided? That is no longer a badge I want to wear. 

These feelings of running on empty prompted me to change my mindset and my routine at the start of 2020. Do you know what I found? I found freedom, fulfillment, and balance, AND it’s making me better in all my domains. We can CHOOSE to fill our tanks. It’s not selfish and it’s not wrong. It’s a necessity. 

If you are looking for freedom, fulfillment and balance, you’ve got to start with YOU!

 

Loving Yourself Starts with Knowing Yourself

Self-awareness is defined as having a clear perception of your personality–your strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivations, and emotions. 

But self-awareness isn’t just who we think we are (internally). It’s also who we’ve proven we are to others (externally). Self-awareness allows you to understand how other people perceive you, your attitude, and your responses to them. 

How does your behavior and attitude reflect who you are (and not just who you say you are)? *Yes, insert punch in the gut here.* 

When we see ourselves clearly, we become more confident, we make better decisions, we are better able to maintain healthy relationships, and we can communicate more effectively. When we know who we are, we can confidently be who we are instead of spending time trying to be who others think we should be. And most importantly, when we know who we are, it is much easier to know what we need to be happy. 

Side Note: we need to acknowledge that who we are and what we need may change over time. Who I was ten years ago at 27 is the not the same person I am now at 37. And, what I needed then, isn’t the same as what I need now to thrive. So, if it’s been a while since you really took a moment to think about who you are, what you want, and what you need to thrive, you’re going to need to ask yourself, “Who am I TODAY?”

 

Self-Awareness Leads to Self-Love

So what’s the difference between self-awareness and self-love? If self-awareness is knowing who you are and what your needs are, then self-love is a regard for your own happiness.

According to Andrea Brandt, PHD, MFT “Self-love means giving yourself what your body, brain, and soul needs for the marathon that is life. It isn’t…chasing a physical or emotional high. The practice of self-love is the practice of nourishing yourself.”

I bet if I asked you what your kids, your spouse, your mother, or your friend needed to feel love, you’d have a specific answer. What I was surprised to find this year was that I didn’t have a list of answers for myself. I never took the time to think about myself in that way. I often worried too much about what other people needed, ignoring my own needs. 

Can you relate? If you came up with a list, what would it look like?

As I prepared for 2020, this is how I decided to give my body, my brain, and my soul what it needed for the marathon of life.  

I started waking up at 4:45am. And I’ll have you note, I am not, nor have I ever been, a morning person. (Jordan laughed at me when I told him I was going to commit to this.) So why did I start doing this? I decided that I needed time in the morning to be alone, to work out (thanks to SPENGA Bloomingdale for being a HUGE part of this), to drink coffee uninterrupted, and to have a chance to sit quietly with my thoughts. It puts me in the right frame of mind, makes me happier, and helps me prepare myself for the melee of my mornings around here. 

I began carving out time each week to connect. For a while, I felt isolated. I gave up my teaching career after having our first born, and then proceeded to have three more. And while my children are my world, I was often alone with them desiring more adult interaction and connection. 

As I’ve gotten older, I have seen the necessity of having friends—good people who I trust, who trust me. People I can lean on, and people who lean on me. I want to rub elbows with people who challenge me to be better, braver, bolder, and people who are there to catch me when I fall. My friends bring me joy, they allow me to have fun, to be me (the me I am when I’m not mom), and they allow for commiseration. 

I started scheduling intentional time with Jordan. I know “scheduling” time with a spouse sounds silly and so unromantic, but with four kids, careers, social commitments, etc., sometimes it’s hard to actually talk to one another about anything other than who needs to be at what sport at what time. We’ve chosen Monday nights as our “date nights on the couch.” By the time all four of our kids are in bed it’s 9:00, and to be honest, we are tired. It’s easy to pick up my phone and scroll through my social media feeds, or to be content turning on Netflix. So instead, we’ve decided to put in the work. To prioritize face-to-face interaction and intentionality.

We start with a bit of “chat” regarding the 5 W’s of the week and then we go deep. We’ve never been more open an honest about who we are, what we need, and how we are tackling our goals and dreams and plans, together.

We still go out on date nights, where we relax and have fun, but Monday nights have been special. They have allowed us to maintain a strong foundation for a relationship that is built to last.

Let’s Talk About You 

If you are safe at home, but seem to be struggling, maybe it’s time to prioritize some self-care in to your daily routine. Here are some suggestions of ways you can care for yourself.

Make time for yourself. Although being home right now has so many advantages, it leaves little room for to clear our minds and be alone. We need to intentionally carve out time and space to rest and recharge! Maybe it’s only on hour. And maybe it’s on the floor of your bedroom closet with a glass of wine and a snickers bar .Tell your spouse what you need. Hand your kids a screen. There’s not judgement here. Do what you gotta do.  

Make healthy choices. We all thrive when we get adequate rest, move our bodies, and eat right. But it’s hard. Anyone find that they are staying up too late? Sleeping in? What about your body? The gyms are closed, so what are you doing to stay active? And what about food? Are we eating all the things…in moderation? If you can’t keep yourself accountable, then find someone you trust that will.

Stick to a routine. Being confined to our homes makes it difficult to keep ourselves adhering to normal routines and schedules. Sticking to your regular routines and rhythms may help you feel better, and fuel your mind and body for taking on the challenges of our new normal. 

Be realistic. I run a pretty tight ship at my house. I like things clean and in order. I like to control and manage schedules and routines so that everyone is thriving. But really, under the current circumstances, none of this is realistic. My house isn’t going to be neat, clean and in order (like it is when my precious babes are gone at school all day). My kids aren’t always going to be happy or on task, and frankly, neither am I. Our mantra around here lately is that everyone needs to “do their best.”  And, on the days when our best just isn’t good enough? Well, then we ALL need to give ourselves some grace. We need to acknowledge our shortcomings and try to do better next time. 

Do things you enjoy. When was the last time you took the time to something you enjoy? And I’m not talking about your 7:00 glass of wine. When was the last time you read a book or sung karaoke? Maybe it’s been a LONG while. Maybe it’s been so long you can’t even remember what you like to do, or what you used to do before kids. Carpe Diem! Seize the day and try going back to old hobbies or starting new ones. Find an outlet and let loose.

 

Self-Care Leads to the Ability to Care for Others

Here’s the real reason we need to take care of ourselves. We need to take care of ourselves so that we are able to help take care of others. Because life isn’t just about us. When we are fueled, fed, fulfilled and healthy, it makes it so much easier to care for others and to help cultivate a community and a world that is better because of you. When we fill our tank, we have more joy, more energy, more strength, and more life to give. When you care for yourself, it’s not just about you. 

When your cup is full, you’ll have enough to pour out in to the people and to the places around you.

 

Permission 

For me, you know what this all boiled down to? Permission. Giving myself the permission to do what I needed to do, for me. For a long time, I was waiting for someone else to do it. So, in case you’re like me, here it is. Here’s me giving YOU the permission to say what you need and to do what you need to do – to be the best version of you.