Season 3, Episode 13: BONUS – Why Is It So Hard…To Talk About Sex

Rosanna 0:00
Welcome to season three, Episode 13 of the relentless pursuit podcast. This one is a little bit of a bonus episode. With the other two seasons, we’ve done 12 but we figured we’d add a little extra in here for you. And so we thought we’d make it a good one. So the title of this episode is, “Why is it so hard to talk about sex?” So we’re talking all about sex.

Jordan 0:48
All about the sexy, sexy time today, everybody. It’s kind of a rite of passage as like a marriage podcast, you got to have at least one episode dedicated to all the good stuff.

Rosanna 0:59
Okay so if the topic of this episode is making you a little uncomfortable, just know that you’re in good company, because I’m already feeling a little bit uncomfortable.

Jordan 1:07
It’s a little awkward talking about it in general. And, you know, go figure we’ve never really recorded or published these conversations for someone else before. So we hope that you have a good time listening to us try to navigate a what I think is implicitly just a challenging conversation.

Rosanna 1:23
Yeah, I mean, that’s the whole point. The whole point of this is to, you know, engage in conversations in a thoughtful way to address the hard things, the important things, the real things

Jordan 1:32
Are we going to laugh every time you say something like “address the hard thing.”

Rosanna 1:37
But nothing we discuss in this conversation is going to be like super personal or super risky. Risque, risque.

Jordan 1:45
A little personal and risque, but we’re not gonna get explicit.

Rosanna 1:50
I mean, I’m pretty sure parents listen to our content. So right. I mean, there’s that. But believe it or not, we’re kind of rather prude the two of us so but to ignore to ignore sex in marriage isn’t really doing anyone any good, or any marriage any good. And so part of this is important. I mean, all of it is important. So you know, if this isn’t something that you’re comfortable with, I think that’s kind of good. And maybe it’s even more the reason to listen to the rest of the episode, right? So let’s talk about it. Why Jordan? Is it hard to talk about sex?

Jordan 2:23
Well, originally, we were going to do like a combo, like we’re going to try to talk about sex and money. So eventually, we’ll talk about money, because that’s another topic that just feels very dicey for couples. And I think for the same reason, and that is that like, there’s, there’s a lot of emotion, there’s, there’s a lot at stake in those conversations. And it’s difficult to talk about because like, there’s so many like perceptions, and maybe like misconceptions that we have related to like, what we feel like, is appropriate, or what we value about it. And it’s, it’s just awkward to you don’t talk about those things in, like in in public, right, and polite conversation, they just don’t come up. So typically, you’re not hearing your parents talk about those things. You’re not really hearing your friends talk about those things. So when it’s finally your turn to talk about that with your spouse, and you bring all this baggage to it, and no experience, it’s just a disaster waiting to happen.

Rosanna 3:21
Yeah, and I would agree, like if you think about all of the negative messages that most of us receive, when we’re young about sex, like in mostly like, you know that sex is wrong, no sex before, like, all of that, right? You get this, like, You’re not supposed to talk about it, right? But then all of a sudden, it’s like, you know, we get married, right? We were pretty young 23. You know, it was like, you’re not keep your hands off each other, no sex until marriage, and then all of a sudden, it’s like, okay, you get married, and now you can have sex, but like, no one’s really talked to you about it, and what those expectations for sex and sex in marriage look like, and what they are and what’s healthy and what’s unhealthy. And then you’re kind of just thrown into this ocean of trying to navigate it without really having any insight as to like, what is healthy, what’s normal? And who else is talking about these things with you? Nobody. So I just feel like in our society, it’s just not an acceptable topic of conversation, right? Like you wouldn’t have a bunch of friends over and then start talking personally about your sex life.

Jordan 4:21
Or maybe some people do that hasn’t come up in our typical conversations with people that were close with. Maybe it should though. So, but I always remember like just even looking back at some of the conversations like we’ve we’ve tried to have, I think there’s a degree of of selfishness that kind of goes into it a little because you’re talking about what you need or what you want or what you like. And sometimes that just by itself can be difficult to articulate, but now it’s something that you can’t access without that other person. And it becomes difficult if they’re having trouble communicating what they want and they have different needs and wants and preferences.

Rosanna 5:01
Yeah, I mean, it all goes back to kind of the expectations and wants and needs. But that’s, you know, part of why we’re talking about this, you know, like, if we’re silent about it, it keeps us not in a good place. And so it’s all about like communicating. And so, you know, that’s kind of like that next part of this is like, why should we talk about sex? And according to marriage experts, sex matters a lot, but maybe not just for the reasons we think it does.

Jordan 5:23
I don’t need an expert to tell me that.

Rosanna 5:25
Well, you don’t, but somebody might. Right? It matters, right? Like we don’t, that’s, that’s part of the beauty of being married. Like, there’s a lot of great things about being married, but like sex is a part of that. And so, if sex isn’t a part of the equation, like the marriage isn’t going to be balanced, and healthy in a way that it that it needs to be. You know, research has found that couples who have strong sexual communication are more satisfied with their sex lives. And open communication can lead to greater feelings of intimacy, a stronger relationship. And there’s a lot of reasons that you should be talking about sex with your partner. And it’s not just like, because you’re unsatisfied. There are just many, many aspects that we should be talking about.

Jordan 6:09
Right? So I’m looking forward to talking about some of those with you. And I, but you’re not just talking about the act, but the communication surrounding the act.

Rosanna 6:17
So yeah, so some of the reasons to have a talk about sex with your partner could include, you know, a lack of sexual satisfaction, or a desire to try something new. You know, even just like changes that happen, like naturally, like in your body with your libido or changes after like having a baby, like being able to communicate those things, can give your partner insight as to why things have changed, or why you want them to change or why you are uncomfortable, or things like that, that can give somebody else some insight, and kind of help you through times of kind of change. But there’s, you know, if there’s a lack of intimacy, or a need for more affection, or if you’re feeling sexually rejected, or you feel like you always have to initiate or even talking about, like family planning and kids and what’s next, like, that’s all a part of, you know, conversations, like regarding sex. And so all of those things, you know, need to be talked about and addressed, but it can be kind of awkward to do that. Oh, yeah. So, you know, part of it is like, how do you and when do you talk about sex? Any, any insights for our listeners?

Jordan 7:29
I feel like this is an area we can improve on. Like, I think that’s part of what we’re going to talk about today is just how to improve upon that for ourselves. So I mean, listeners should know is probably, of all the many great conversations that you and I have, like this is, I would say probably not one of them.

Rosanna 7:45
No, because I think, for that same reason that it’s like awkward, right? But I mean, I think there are some general tips about like, how to approach the subject and when to approach this objection, right. There’s like a time and a place, right? Waiting for the right moment to address the topic can help you get around some of those feelings of discomfort or awkwardness that can be common around sex talks. So you should probably like pick like a neutral location. Right?

Jordan 8:13
Let’s drive separately to Starbucks, and let’s meet…

Rosanna 8:15
Just neutral like not not in the bedroom. You know, not in the bedroom at bedtime, right? Or not, you know, right after a sexual encounter. Also not the best time like, you know, I didn’t really like, you know…

Jordan 8:31
It’s like when you’re eating somebody’s meal, and it’s like, you know, this is okay, but –

Rosanna 8:35
I think it means a little more garlic and a little more, so you’re not there to like, critique it, right. And you also don’t want to blindside your partner with the topic, like if you want to talk about sex or things in the bedroom or even problems, right? Like you need to let your partner know, like that you want to have this conversation so that they’re not blindsided, and then they’re kind of like, Okay, what is it that he or she wants to talk about? Like, yeah, I guess I have some things that I’d want to bring up to. So it’s like, the wheels are already in motion. And people are already starting to kind of like, assess and self assess maybe where this conversation is going.

Jordan 9:09
But I think it’s good if you like, if before we talk, let’s just acknowledge the awkwardness and just say look like I want to talk about this. I already feel awkward about it. And I know you do too. But can we talk about this now. Where can we like find a time to do that? So if you acknowledge that awkwardness, then you can both kind of like giggle and squirm during the conversation, but get out what you need to.

Rosanna 9:31
Oh yeah, when you like bring that up with me I like literally want to run and hide because I do I act like such a prude and I’m like oh my gosh, what is he gonna say? Oh my gosh, I don’t want to hear it.

Jordan 9:42
Even just anything. If I just say Rosanna can we talk and I haven’t even identified the topic.

Rosanna 9:46
I’m like worst case scenario. Hopefully it’s not about money or about sex because I don’t want to hear about either but they you know experts will say have like a soft start to the conversation. Begin with your goal to feel –

Jordan 9:56
A little foreplay to get into it.

Rosanna 9:57
No – begin with your goal to feel closer and connected with your spouse. Avoid blaming, skip criticisms and focus on the things you can both do to make your sex life more fulfilling. So it’s it’s not a way to shame someone or to look for fault or place blame or anything like that. It’s like, I want to be closer to you, you know, like, for our marriage for our relationship,

Jordan 10:20
Actually, I read similar advice to and I’ll try to put that into practice during this conversation. But it said focus on what you want, or what your needs are without laying blame. So without saying you don’t do this, you don’t do that. Okay, so to help Rosanna and I actually have a productive, sex oriented conversation, I made a little questionnaire for us. And there’s actually a lot of interesting questionnaires online that we –

Rosanna 10:48
And by interesting he means like, what I would call like, completely obscene and rather ridiculous.

Jordan 10:56
Yeah, it ranged from like, yes, I’m interested in this all the way to Wow, that’s a thing? So we made our own questionnaire. That’s, I think, a little bit more based, not just about sex, but kind of just about the whole relationship and everything. So we answered these questions separately, earlier today. And for the first time, right now, we’re going to share our answers to these questions, really, just as a gateway into what I hope is a broader conversation about sex for us.

Rosanna 11:26
So we’re doing it. The questionnaire.

Jordan 11:31
Now, we should devote a lot more research for this show.

Rosanna 11:34
We can do some research later.

Jordan 11:37
Okay, so should I should I just share the questions are first, or should we just go through them? One by one? Okay. All right. So first question. So this is same questions, but we answered them separately, so we’ll see if they compare. Alright, so the first question is, what do you think you do that turns on your spouse? So I’ll write down what I did that I think turns you on. I wrote down “Clean something.” How am I doing?

Rosanna 12:05
Okay, so, so the question is, what does your spouse do that turns you on? And I wrote, takes out the garbage and replaces the bag.

Jordan 12:14
Yeah, I don’t know why that’s the thing for you.

Rosanna 12:15
That’s a thing for me.

Jordan 12:16
I’ll take out the garbage every day, if that helps.

Rosanna 12:18
Well, I mean, it used to be like, right, when we were like, kids, it’s something different. But now it’s like, when you do these things that like you generally don’t do or aren’t good at doing and then you do them. For me. I’m like, major swoon. And I was like, Okay, oh, yeah.

Jordan 12:32
I’m not sure why that is what comes to mind in that description. Alright, so but I said clean something, because I feel like you’re just your connection and your contentedness with your environment makes you feel more at ease.

Rosanna 12:48
Yeah, and I think we’ve talked about this in other episodes about like personality, and all of that, it’s like when things in my domain which are like in the house are like taken care of. So things are clean and organized and put away and all as it should be, I feel like I can relax. And when things are not like that, like, I feel like I’m preoccupied, and so then I’m laying in bed, and I’m thinking about all the things that need to be done or how they need to be done. And like I don’t turn off, which means I don’t relax, which means then it’s hard for me to be turned on in that way, because it kind of interferes. So I would agree, like, yeah, clean something or help take care of something. Okay. So if I asked you the question, What do you think I do that, that turns you on?

Jordan 13:30
What turns me on Rosanna?

Rosanna 13:32
Just me simply existing turns you on. And if I occasionally bend over to unload the dishwasher, or like, make a note on something, you’re you’re ready to go?

Jordan 13:41
Yep. It doesn’t take much, people. So I also made a list that answers that question from my end. So first of all, I wrote down that it would probably be easier to write down what doesn’t, than what does. But then I did make like a more practical list, some of the items may shock you. So the first one is bend over the dishwasher or the counter.

Rosanna 14:06
Was it really? Right? The counter?

Jordan 14:09
Then some of these are, I think relatively predictable, like wearing something appealing. And there’s various levels of that like sometimes it’s like a nice dress when we’re about to go out. Sometimes it’s much less… So along those lines would just when you’re like, like done up, you know, like hair and makeup, very tantalizing, titillating. When you just when you say something, even if it’s like, over text, like just something alluring, something a little bit out of character is a big turn on.

Rosanna 14:39
Something other than Can you pick up the kids from soccer?

Jordan 14:41
Well, so much of just the generic household conversations. Kissing also. But then there’s a few that might surprise you. I think I find I find intelligence really attractive. So like when you’re reading and not like you’re kind of like your pop fiction. But when you’re like reading to learn, I don’t know I, I find that a fan sexy. Yeah. And also like competence as well. So like you’re running your business and like, just as I see that, like, build and thrive, I’m like, hello. And also, when we’re out together in public, like seeing you interact with other people also.

Rosanna 15:23
But what about that is,

Jordan 15:25
– that’s when I think that’s when you’re at your your glowiest.

Rosanna 15:30
Oh, okay, so something about just my aura with other people, draws you in?

Jordan 15:36
Right. Just like watching you laugh and smile, watching you like interact and crack jokes, and just be as personable as you really are. It’s fun to see you kind of like in your element.

Rosanna 15:48
And we don’t really see each other like at work and so like when we go to work functions for you. And people are there and I don’t really know people but they all know you and then they’re like talking about you and like when they like, say like what a great guy you are, like when they start like kind of singing your praises and your accolades. Like, I mean that that does it for me to where it’s like, I’m glad other people see what I see. Because you know, sometimes like with your friends and your family, they don’t necessarily see you the same way that like outsiders see you right? And so when I get like told back to me, like what I see in you, but other people experience it, I’m always like, like super proud and kind of like, yeah, I’m taking that home later.

Jordan 16:29
Okay. Doesn’t doesn’t cross my mind that you have those kinds of thoughts. Okay. What are –

Rosanna 16:36
Wait you just got really shy. Like, you could say all those things to me. I said that about you? And you’re like, Okay,

Jordan 16:41
It just surprises me. It just surprises me cuz you don’t say that out loud that often. So to hear you say now it’s kind of like, I didn’t see that coming. All right. All right. So what are two things that turn you off? You go first.

Rosanna 16:54
Oh, bad breath and poor hygiene turn me off. Big time.

Jordan 16:58
So I would you rate my general breath and hygiene.

Rosanna 17:03
If it’s like right before bed, you’re usually pretty good to go. Other random times where what do we call it when you’re on summer vacation over the summers in your summer hygiene where you shave like once a week. And it’s like questionable whether you’ve like brushed your hair or are wearing the same shirt for days in a row.

Jordan 17:21
So just just general preparation of the self. Alright, so I wrote down to turn offs as well. I do have that I know. It may shock you. The first is what I call management discussions.

Rosanna 17:36
Oh boy.

Jordan 17:37
Alright, so let’s say like, you know, we’re getting intimate. And then you kind of just throw something into the mix. Like I signed Juliet up for gymnastics today. Like, what is that? That totally like what that doesn’t need to be brought up at that time? Or remind me later I need to like go like complete this thing online. It’s like what – hold… Because I could tell you your mind then is still like processing something totally different. Or even if I may be so bold as to say like, sometimes you like you start talking logistics. Like Okay, first, I’m going to pull my pants down over here.

Rosanna 18:15
Oh, come on!

Jordan 18:16
Like sometimes you just verbalize those things out loud. I’m like, I don’t know if we need a script right now. So that’s one thing. The other turnoff, I would say is self put downs. Which you do. So I might say something like we’re saying You look so good right now. And what do you say? Oh, my gosh, I’m so fat, ugly. And then then it puts me in the position of having to be like, “No you’re not Rosanna actually, you’re really attractive…” Right and then I feel like I have to like build you it kind of just kills the vibe.

Rosanna 18:45
Okay, super embarrassing to talk about this on the podcast for you to reiterate those things to publicly thank you. Okay. Do I what am I answering something?

Jordan 18:55
The next question.

Rosanna 18:57
Which are what two things that turned me on?

Jordan 19:00
Yes.

Rosanna 19:02
Smells turned me on. Smells Yeah. Like you have really expensive cologne that you rarely wear. No, it’s it’s for daily like that’s why I bought it – it’s not supposed to last 15 years like so. Smells turned me on like there’s no –

Jordan 19:17
Question – if I put it on before I go to work then I’m just out of the house all day you don’t really get to smell it then. Should I put it on when I come home?

Rosanna 19:24
No but like then I smell you before you leave and you smell good when you come home it’s not like it like disappears from you like you have a scent like i like i like that like I want you to smell like like we just smell like clean people like right like fabric softener. Right one of my friends kids always says oh was was were Juliet and Rosanna here why I could smell them like you know like we have the scent of clean clothes but like I don’t want you to smell like clothes like I want you to smell like like hot man that I want to put my hands on.

Jordan 19:52
I’ll increase the cologne usage.

Rosanna 19:55
Okay, what else turns me on to things jr on smells and I feel like moods, I feel like I’m –

Jordan 20:02
Mood lighting. And candles.

Rosanna 20:05
setting a mood is important. And we don’t really do that. But I think that would like, kind of add some ambience and maybe get me to be out of that mentality of like thinking about the next thing and kind of get me to like –

Jordan 20:20
Alright, I have a question later on and I’ll I’ll ask you to build off of all right. Okay, what is your ideal frequency of sex per week? Should we say your answers on the count of three? Sure. 1234. All right, so I said four.

Rosanna 20:37
I said two. And I would say we’re generally where?

Jordan 20:43
One or two.

Rosanna 20:43
I was gonna say two or three.

Jordan 20:47
Well, if yeah, I would. So anyway, let’s go for it. Let’s go for that four. Okay, I have another question in our lightning round.

Rosanna 20:58
Ooh a lightning round. I did not even know.

Jordan 21:00
Alright, preferred time of day?

Rosanna 21:04
Oh, for me, it would be like midday, midday. And I’ll tell you why in the morning. No, thank you. I’m like not really interested. There’s kids, ours are always up early, like no, like, I’d want it to be like a private thing. I feel like whenever mornings are not good, I don’t really like anything in the morning. Besides coffee. That’s like the only thing I want in the morning. And by the time like, at night, all the kids are in bed and everything is done whatever like, I’m just too tired. So like, a lot of times on the weekends, we find a mid day, excuse to have a meeting upstairs. And that really seems to work.

Jordan 21:38
It works. But I would – So I wrote down first why I wrote down anytime. That’s my answer, but actually wrote down night as a preferred time. So I agree. Like we’re we’re often like really too tired to have an engaging time together. So if I would change anything, or just be like, my energy level or so. So in an ideal world, it would be night. Midday is good as well, except that I feel like, you know, at that time, especially if like the kids are around I mean, it’s just –

Rosanna 22:16
It’s kind of like recording the podcast – your fingers are crossed, and no one’s gonna interrupt or try and knock on the door, right? Okay, energy level of day, but privacy of night would be great.

Jordan 22:24
So if anybody wants to watch the kids for an hour or so on a typical Saturday or Sunday.

Rosanna 22:28
Maybe like a one week, maybe like a one week vacation like that, that would help. There’d be no one there.

Jordan 22:32
Okay, I threw this into our questionnaire because this is I think, just important to define. So when you think of the word intimacy, what does that suggest to you? It’s open ended. I mean, I think of like a genuinely intimate relationship.

Rosanna 22:46
One that’s close one, that’s honest. One, that’s real insync one that includes like laughing, no shame.

Jordan 22:57
Are you you’re going way out there. I wrote down sex. We’re intimate if we’re having sex.

Rosanna 23:03
Well being intimate. Having an intimate relationship. It’s all of those things being vulnerable.

Jordan 23:09
Right? I did, right “And stuff with that.”

Rosanna 23:15
Well, I mean, think about it, like in order to be intimate with someone, right? Like, you have to, like, be vulnerable, right? You have to like, want to take off your clothes in front of someone and not just jump under the covers and close the light so they can’t see you. Right, like, so like, you have to have that like honesty, that security, right? Like, I wouldn’t do that with anybody anywhere, anytime that it’s just this very close thing.

Jordan 23:35
Okay, okay, so maybe I can I can work on improving my conception of intimacy.

Rosanna 23:44
Right, like you’re thinking of just like jump into bed and like go where I’m like to talk to me, tell me I’m pretty. All of that.

Jordan 23:57
What is one thing your partner – that’s you – What is one thing Rosanna can improve upon with her approach to sex? And I wrote,

Rosanna 24:09
Do I want to know, I get worried anytime you ask a new question for me feel like I’m in trouble.

Jordan 24:12
I wrote communication. So, and at times, I feel like I’ve tried to bring something up. And again, I’m not that like savvy with, you know how I’m broaching it. But I could see you almost like physically like recoil, and then you just like, okay, no.

Rosanna 24:34
So if you’re listening to this as a podcast and watching the YouTube video, you’d understand why I’m laughing, but go ahead.

Jordan 24:40
So it’s as I feel like we both get improve in that area. But that’s one answer to that question. So maybe one challenge for you and for both of us in that.

Rosanna 24:52
If I’m answering the same question, what is one thing your partner can prove upon with their approach to sex, and mine was similar. I didn’t say communication, I actually wrote like two things that said, ask for it and plan on it. Which have to do with communication. Because I think it was last year I had set, one of my resolutions or goals had to do with, like, our relationship, our intimate relationship, right. And in my mind, it was, like, if I wanted to show you that I loved you more I would do x or include, you know, whatever it is. Right, right. And like, there was like, a goal with it. So it was like something that I could like to strive for, like, reach, right?

Jordan 25:39
You could know if you’re achieving it.

Rosanna 25:41
Correct. And I think that that’s like, important. So if like, after this conversation, like the goal is to be having sex three times a week, like, right, like, then like, that’s on my mind when I go to sleep at night. And right, like, I’m like, it’s Thursday, and I’m thinking, Oh, crap, it hasn’t happened once like, we gotta power up.

Jordan 25:58
We should probably play it safe we should go for six. And then in case you don’t meet that goal –

Rosanna 26:04
So but I think that’s, that’s part of it is like, and, you know, I’ll say this about you like you, you’re never one to, like, ask for it. I always, always feel like I have to, like, offer it. And so if I don’t offer it, you just kind of look at me, like the dog looks at me when she wants to go for a walk.

Jordan 26:21
Alright, well, okay, so let’s talk about this. Since this came up. I feel like it it’s difficult to initiate for a number of reasons. One is like it I feel a little selfish. I feel like I’m more interested than you on any, like, typical night. So, but also kind of like the the I know, whatever question that we’ll get to, but like, I just feel like the the act of like trying to initiate is it’s awkward. So it’s a I feel like they’re just some of these barriers, like granted, like, maybe some of them are artificial to like, just kind of taking the lead with them as much as I should.

Rosanna 27:04
Yeah. And I would agree. I mean, I, and maybe this is just a perception thing. Like I don’t know that I would turn you down. Right? Because and this is, you know, you had said like, you know, do you have other questions? And so I put this one in there. It’s like, like, do you know what maintenance sex is?

Jordan 27:24
No.

Rosanna 27:25
Okay, so maintenance sex, it’s, it’s, they say that it’s very important in a marriage. And it’s one of you might not really be in the mood, but you do it anyways. Okay. And they often say that, even if you’re not in the mood, and you’re like, I really don’t want to, but you do it for the sake of like the other person in your relationship, oftentimes, you kind of start off with, I’m not really in the mood. And then you know, like, you’re in it, you’re like, Okay, well, this really wasn’t such a bad idea. So sometimes it’s more of like that idea of like, yeah, right now I’d really just rather roll over and go to sleep. But I love you enough to know that, like, you need this. And it’s good for us. And it’s I’m not going to come out like being like, well, I regretted that. But it’s important in a marriage. And so sometimes, like maybe that’s how it starts, but that’s not how it really ends. And so it’s kind of this important part of like –

Jordan 28:12
Sometimes I get that vibe, too. And it’s it’s not as appealing either. It’s like, Well, okay, like I you know, I better do this before he gets mad, backed up or something. And then if that’s kind of the vibe going into it, it’s like, you know what, like, you’re just patronizing me.

Rosanna 28:26
It’s not always the vibe going into it, right? Like, do you do things around the house all of the time because you love me and you want to do them? Or are you thinking if I do this, I’m totally getting laid later?

Jordan 28:37
Well I don’t, it’s not a guarantee. It’s –

Rosanna 28:39
It’s not a guarantee. But you’re like, well, if this ups my ads, I’m emptying the garbage and putting a bag back in? Is it not? Okay, well, and like, you know, there are times sometimes I can not that you’re not always nice, or that you’re not always helpful, like, when you’re like, above and beyond, I was like, okay, he shall be rewarded later. Like, you know, like, so it’s kind of like in that same mindset, like –

Jordan 28:59
I almost feel like a puppy. Like, “I get a treat later?”

Rosanna 29:03
But I think sometimes, you know, like, we put the kids to bed and it’s late, and we’re both tired, and like, I’d rather go to sleep and you’re kind of interested, right, like, you know, maybe not planning on it in advance, which, you know, some people be like, Oh my gosh, that takes like the this out of it or that out of it, but like having a plan for it, right? Like whether it’s like, on certain nights of the week, or it’s the frequency of how many times during like, if there’s like a plan, right? Like, it’s like, everybody’s kind of aware and is on board. And then if someone needs to communicate that, like they want more or that although it’s like we like we usually do like, I’m not feeling good tonight or I have like I have a headache or like whatever it is like so you can be honest or it’s like okay, all right. Well, then we’ll try again tomorrow, you know, like so like having some kind of plan or some kind of something where you’re not just like expecting it or talking about it like two seconds before someone wants to roll over and go to sleep kind of puts everyone on the same page and everyone has like, right expectations about it maybe.

Jordan 30:01
Yeah, we need a code word.

Rosanna 30:03
Alright. Well, we’ll develop that.

Jordan 30:04
Biscuits. Hungry for biscuits tonight

Rosanna 30:08
Are you making biscuits for dinner? No, I’m not. Alright, so do we move on to the next question?

Jordan 30:15
Okay. On a scale of one to 10 rate your overall sexual satisfaction in this relationship. You go first.

Rosanna 30:25
Okay, I wrote down seven.

Jordan 30:27
Okay I wrote on six. So it’s a hard sometimes it’s easier to communicate with numbers. So that’s why I put that question in here. Okay. So overall, we’re satisfied. But there’s room for improvement.

Rosanna 30:39
Yeah. Well, I mean, I feel like you said six, which is good, because that’s it says, guess what your partner put for their rating, right? Yeah. And I figured it was probably lower than that.

Jordan 30:48
So what number did you guess?

Rosanna 30:50
I figured you’d guess five.

Jordan 30:53
Okay so you went low? And that I came in above that? I would say six. And I’ll get into some of the reasons for that. I think a little bit later on. But yes, it’s like So overall, like, satisfied. But I also think that there is, especially since we’re kind of like talking about how to talk about it better. Like I think there’s nowhere to go but up, no pun intended.

Rosanna 31:15
Okay, I know but like, and like what five means to one person isn’t what five means to another.

Jordan 31:19
It’s just a number, it’s just a start. That’s just a start. Okay, sir. So we have a few other questions. Maybe we can help us dissect that a little bit more.

Rosanna 31:26
Well, you don’t want to talk about those numbers now. Okay, go ahead. Well, why did you put six?

Jordan 31:32
I put six I mean I already told you like overall satisfied, but I feel like for one, I feel like, like with some of the other questions like there’s actually Oh, I have a lightning round question I’ll just mention now, which is that there’s, I think, a slight disparity in our libidos.

Rosanna 31:55
100%.

Jordan 31:56
So, you know, I am. And I would also say this, too, and I’m not speaking for all guys, but I think I might be close here, I would estimate about 75% of every day, I spent thinking about sex. Which is actually it’s, I must be getting older, it’s down it, I would probably say when I was younger, it was like it had to been in the 90s. Okay, so a lot of time and attention. I wonder what I could do if I were just like, kind of like liberated from my interest in this. I could do could do so many more things.

Rosanna 32:31
You’re a high functioning high achieving individuals, right? Like you’re already like, on the upper echelon of achievement. So like, if you weren’t thinking about that 75% of time, what would you be doing?

Jordan 32:40
And so I don’t have any sort of like wild or peculiar interests or anything like that, but like, a good percentage of my thinking is going to directed towards this. So like that being said, I think the more that we talk about it, then the more we can just understand like those just needs and figure out how to best mutually meet them. And that’s what some of these other questions are for. Okay. All right. So why did you put a seven?

Rosanna 33:09
Seven – meaning that I would say that I, it’s not like, I want to do that with anybody else, like, you’re my person, you’re the person I want to do that with. When I’m with you I have no complaints, right? But I feel like other things get in the way. And I feel like I wish I could be like more – I don’t know what the word is – I don’t want to say like, into it. Because it’s not that I’m not into it. But like, like, I wish we didn’t have to worry about kids or dogs are like, you know, I wish we were just like on an island somewhere. And I felt like less inhibition that I wasn’t like, I don’t want to say that I’m tense but like, you know what I mean, like that I felt fully relaxed and I could like just be all in. But there’s like, part of you that’s always like listening for you know, someone breathing at your door. That’s all you don’t I mean, right. So I guess that’s why I would say seven. I know. It’s good. I wish some of the other stuff could go away.

Jordan 34:06
Okay. All right. This one I threw in for fun named two places outside of the bedroom where you’d be interested in making love.

Rosanna 34:14
I have no like major aspirations for like, where or what those places are. Well we did that like little survey right? There was like a survey and it asked like a similar question. And I don’t know if it like asked something specific but I was like, I don’t know like a wooded area like a forest preserve. Not like the one like that my dad is walking in or takes the dog to walk in, like, on a warm day. Nothing where like people would be but like, you know, like in the movies, you know, they’re like, in an open field somewhere like they’re on a secluded beach and no one’s there. Right? Great. As long as no one’s there, but like, Yeah, not we’re not going to drive down the road and go to the forest preserve.

Jordan 34:52
Okay, that’s one. Do you have another one?

Rosanna 34:55
It was the for- it was Yes, it was like a beach and Forest Preserve like.

Jordan 34:57
Interesting. Okay, my two places. I’ll just throw them out there kitchen and car.

Rosanna 35:05
Not the Civic right.

Jordan 35:06
The van, the van. The kitchen. Don’t worry if we have any guests over, we’ll hose everything down before you swing by.

Rosanna 35:16
Okay. Do people do that?

Jordan 35:18
Yeah. I mean, I’m sure they do.

Rosanna 35:21
Well, I don’t know.

Jordan 35:22
Maybe not. So if you guys ever do that, just let us know.

Rosanna 35:25
Yeah. I mean, if you want to just comment somewhere about interesting places.

Jordan 35:29
Let’s start the conversation. There we go. Okay. Okay. I wrote down, how can we improve our communication with one another? I think I think we’re doing it now. But I think I would propose that since we’re already like talking together every Monday night, that we just make like, a designated portion of that conversation to be like the sort of open sex question communication time.

Rosanna 35:54
You know, that reminds me of the conversation we had with the Regulas, you know, that they like everything is on the table. You know, and you know, when, what time do you like it? And, you know, I just thought that was interesting that they were, they did not feel like embarrassed or ashamed to even talk about the fact that that’s something that they talked about, because it’s important in a healthy relationship to set expectations and to know what your partner likes, and what they don’t like, and where, and how, and all of that. And those are healthy, normal things. And so I think that’s, that was one of my biggest takeaways from that conversation that has kind of trickled into this one. So that although this conversation may feel a little nerve wracking, you know, that it’s, there’s nothing wrong with this conversation, right, in the confines of you and I are married and have been married for almost 15 years now.

Jordan 36:37
Alright, I want to skip to our last question. It says what is best for your partner to do to initiate sex? You go first.

Rosanna 36:46
Well, and I had said this earlier to set a mood. And I don’t want to say that there’s never a mood but like, dim a light light a candle find music that I like, like, I don’t even think you know, what kind of music I like –

Jordan 36:57
“Don’t go chasing waterfalls…”

Rosanna 37:00
Right. And that’s what you would probably put on, which would put me out of the mood. So like, you know, I would even say, like, you know, I know, you said something about, like, what I wear, and what that looks like, like, I mean, in all honesty, when was the last time you bought me something you’d want to see me?

Jordan 37:18
I did but then you never actually wore it. So then I’m like, it’s probably not something that I shouldn’t be doing.

Rosanna 37:24
But that was but how long ago was that? Right.

Jordan 37:28
So I get scared off.

Rosanna 37:30
Okay, well, maybe it’s time to –

Jordan 37:33
So that’s what I put down for mine as well. So I wrote down the visual element. And I think as a man, it’s like, well documented, I’m a visual creature. So I think that if to whatever extent can be emphasized and capitalized on would be my recommendation.

Rosanna 37:51
Okay. And just so you all know, when I go to bed, I’m wearing like socks, sweat pants, like three layers of shirts tucked into my pants tied shut with my hood up and my blanket.

Jordan 38:01
We just look like adults in whatever, right comfy clothes, clothing we have. So I think that that is something else that we can include. Okay, I also wrote this down for initiation, I wrote down longer foreplay. So you, you just kind of – noted, move on.

Rosanna 38:20
But I thought I’d take those notes and then I and I work and I work on them. So I don’t know what you want me to say in response to that like, Okay, I’m listening and I’m saying, Okay, all right. All right.

Jordan 38:30
Can I tell one joke?

Rosanna 38:31
Sure. You want to tell one joke.

Jordan 38:32
So I to investigate this. I watched a video about foreplay, to learn how to do it better. And it was really good, except for the boring part at the beginning that had to skip over.

Rosanna 38:43
Ha ha ha ha. I’m like, What did you watch? Okay, it’s just a joke.

Jordan 38:47
It’s a one liner. Yeah. Okay. Alright. So then we have the next section here. It’s the I called it the no holds barred. Ask your partner anything that’s been on your mind. Did you write down any questions for this section?

Rosanna 38:58
Well, I had like notes about maintenance sex, and if like that was offensive to you or what you thought about that? But I have this question. That’s kind of, I would say, real. What, what hinders our sex life? And how do we need to work around that? Okay, let’s see that’s deep and so you can just you know, if you’re not ready to answer it, but it’s just a thoughtful question like, like, What does hinder it? I don’t think we have a bad one. But like know, how can we take it from good to great?

Jordan 39:27
I think talking about it.

Rosanna 39:28
Okay. And me not being a prude when you bring it up and having my shoulders go up and recoiling, right note to self.

Jordan 39:36
But I think so it’s about about how maybe how we approach talking about it. So for now, like, we’ll build it into our Mondays and maybe have a little bit more of intention with saying, hey, like, this is something we want to talk about. We do it now. We do it later. Okay.

Rosanna 39:49
Agreed. Alright, what’s in your – gosh, you’re making it seem like you have all these burning questions.

Jordan 39:55
I have a few I’ll just throw them out there. Okay. More for fun than anything else on a scale. One to 10 how important would you say sex is to your overall life personally?

Rosanna 40:07
I don’t think you like the answer to that question.

Jordan 40:09
Well, that’s why I’m asking.

Rosanna 40:10
I feel like it’s pretty low.

Jordan 40:11
What number would you know?

Rosanna 40:14
Five?

Jordan 40:16
Okay, it’s better than I thought.

Rosanna 40:18
zero. Okay, only be like, I feel like life gets in the way of a lot like right before kids and everything there was just us, right? So it’s like different. So like, we’re kind of like shifting through this child rearing raising kids, we have a junior higher, almost like it’s like this, or whatever. And we never really lose each other in it. But I think there are times where we go from like hot and heavy to like, a little less than we’d like. So it’d be good just to be kind of a little bit more consistent, or even so much so that you’d say that you don’t want any.

Jordan 40:53
Right, that would be a good goal to have. I’m actually good for now. Check tomorrow, but actually, I’m good. Yeah. All right. So follow up question I revealed to you the percentage each day that I probably am estimating that I dedicate to thinking about sex. What percentage would you say you think about it on your typical day?

Rosanna 41:11
Do you want the real answer?

Jordan 41:13
Yeah that’s what I’m asking.

Rosanna 41:14
Like, 2%.

Jordan 41:15
Okay. All right. But it’s a little lower than expected. That’s okay. That’s good. We’re getting out there. Okay. This one’s for fun. I don’t even know why I’m asking it. But are you familiar with what a hall pass is?

Rosanna 41:28
Yeah. Isn’t that like, if this person –

Jordan 41:31
So who’s who’s your celebrity hall pass?

Rosanna 41:33
I don’t think I have one. Okay, I used to be into like celebrities and all that, like, in my 20s. But like, now, I feel like I’m like, so far out of that, like –

Jordan 41:43
My answer would be the same. And so people are listening to me, like, it’s so lame, like everybody…it never really crosses my mind.

Rosanna 41:50
You know, what, there? And I think there was a time, especially when we were younger, right? Like, because we were married young and all that, like be like, Oh, you know, this person? Oh, yeah. But like, it maybe it does sound lame. Like, I do love you so freakin much like, and I might like, acknowledge, like, this person is witty, or that person is like, attractive. That like that you’ve like, like, you know, like, make you like laugh or smile or like you’re like drawn to but like when I think about sex, and about anybody else, like, No, thank you.

Jordan 42:23
For me. Okay. I would say it’s, I think we think of it as a physical thing. And I think that’s secondary. I think, for me, at least the primary function is psychological. Right? It’s mental, and you can’t just fabricate that with anybody. So that’s why I can’t think of anybody else. Because with you, you’re the one that I have that connection with. That actually, like satisfies that need.

Rosanna 42:46
Yeah, and I would, I would hope that to be true, but I would be like, well, if you know, this person walked in, like, Yeah, go ahead, I feel like I’m too like, what’s the word like protective? Like your mine? Like, I’m sorry. Alright. I think I would beat whoever that was up. I like you that much.

Jordan 43:05
I just threw the question out there.

Rosanna 43:06
Why do you have one? You say no.

Jordan 43:09
No I don’t. So, alright, so you’ll laugh at this. And it’s my final question. We just so everyone knows, we started dating, when we were 15. We got married at 23. And we waited to have sex until we were married. It’s like our wedding night was night number one. So Rosanna like now knowing, like having to have that experience prior to being married. And then, you know, having been married for almost 15 years. Now, if you could go back to our pre-marriage phase of the relationship. Would you wait, again until we were married?

Rosanna 43:46
So that’s a good question. I think there’s a there’s a lot there to answer. Because I think in a lot of ways, like who I was, like, obviously, when I was a teenager, and in my early 20s, like, I, I think there’s a lot that goes into having sex and you know, part of that is like, giving a piece of yourself away. Okay, so to speak. And so to have left that with someone, right? That wouldn’t have been you like, I don’t, I’m like so like, loyal. And so like, I’m

Jordan 44:16
I’m talking about us.

Rosanna 44:17
I know what it’s you I know, but it’s you, but like, I don’t know that I would have been ready. And so the fact that we got married like young, it’s not like I think it’s a different story if you don’t get married until you’re 40. Right. But we were young. And so like,

Jordan 44:32
We were pretty committed from early on and cracked and decided that from early on.

Rosanna 44:36
And I was super hot for you. And you were super hot for me. And you know, there were times it was hard to keep our hands off each other. Like, you know, God bless being a teenager. I wish that was like, I wish that was kind of still a problem. Like, in some ways, you know what I mean? Right. But, you know, I I don’t know if I would have been ready earlier. Maybe maybe like by the time we were in or out of college. But I think like, had we done something like that in high school? I don’t. I don’t. I think it would have ruined a few things for me.

Jordan 45:11
Okay. Interesting. Okay. Yeah, I think, from my standpoint to having that been the only way we really experienced the trajectory of our relationship, I don’t regret it.

Rosanna 45:26
I know. But sometimes, sometimes now, when we like, we’re in bed together, whatever. I’m like, Don’t you feel like we wasted so many years not doing this like this? I mean, it’s nice that we were playing the long game. We were playing the long game. Life is a marathon not a race. Not a sprint.

Jordan 45:45
Not a quickie. Okay,

Rosanna 45:50
That was one of your questions: quickies or marathon? Thoughts

Jordan 45:53
Yeah, that was one of my questions, quickies? I mean, I like both. It’s all about variety. But if I had to choose.

Rosanna 45:59
Oh, I didn’t think you would say that. Because you’re like, the more like, kind of romantic ideal one.

Jordan 46:03
Yeah, but I was just kind of like, you know what, I want this. I want this now. And then I’m gonna move on.

Rosanna 46:08
Alright, there you go. So yeah, I mean, how do you want to want to end this, I mean, we’ve talked about a lot. We did like kind of like a little precursor in the beginning, and then kind of did our questionnaire which I don’t even know that anybody is going to listen to this episode. But if we had some takeaways, I think there are some, some really good takeaways. And I think the first is that you have to communicate, right? When we’re talking about sex, sex, and marriage relationships, you have to communicate your wants, your needs, your insecurities, like you have to, you have to talk about all of that. Because otherwise, like, you’re not putting things into context, and people will not understand where you’re at. I think the second thing that’s pretty important as to share desires and expectations. And I think when we were younger, that was harder to do. Maybe not knowing that that’s like a part of it. And so sometimes, when you would share your expectations with me that I wasn’t already meeting, I would get defensive and feel guilty. Instead of just like, knowing that I needed to listen and then like, try or, like, you know what I mean? Try and figure that out. So communicate, share your desires and expectations, and then like, make a plan, right? Like, so if we talked about this, and like, you know, the number is 4, 12, or whatever it is for the week, right? Like,

Jordan 47:25
Twelve times a week, right?

Rosanna 47:26
Make a plan? Why are you laughing? You wish right? You know, initiate, don’t just expect that someone’s always gonna volunteer. Right? But initiate, you want it, initiate it, and do your homework, know what your partner likes, what know what they don’t like, you know, what kills it for you?

Jordan 47:44
And just knowing but then actually acting upon it too, which requires a little bit more effort. Or obviously, if it’s not the same as what it’s like, if what you like, or what you turns you on, is different than what I have any sort of interest in. Like, it takes a little bit of extra effort to actually make that happen. But it’s worth it.

Rosanna 48:02
This is one thing we didn’t talk about. But I saw this come up when I was just kind of reading about the topic is to take care of yourself, like physically, right? Like, no one wants to be in front of somebody else and feel ashamed about like who they are, or what their look like are their insecurities. Do I have insecurities about somebody? I sure do. I always have. But like having kids, having had four kids, right, like I’ve gained and lost weight, like multiple times. Like right after I had a baby, I did, you know, I was uncomfortable with my body. And so when I was uncomfortable with my body, it was hard to share my body with you. And so there were barriers a lot of times before, after and during kids because of that. And so like, like, if you want to have a healthy marriage and a healthy sex life, you have to take care of your body. And so that’s a little bit different for everybody. But I think that’s part of it. And it’s important. Avoid comparison, right? Like are three days a week is maybe you know, not the same as your one day a week or your nine days a week, like, everybody’s normal is a little bit different. And so like, although you can talk about it with friends, or ask opinions or whatever, like you have to do what’s right for you and your relationship.

Jordan 49:09
I have a final question. And that is like, do you feel like, like we said at the beginning, like we don’t really this is not common conversation with friends or with family. In your opinion do you think it should be?

Rosanna 49:21
You know I think it depends on the type of friends that you have.

Jordan 49:25
Or do you just just bring it up with it? Oh, by the way, I was thinking. I think that’s that’s awkward to to bring up with anybody.

Rosanna 49:31
I don’t think that…

Jordan 49:32
– but if somebody brought up with me, I would be interested in talking about it.

Rosanna 49:35
Yeah. I mean, and I don’t think you have to talk specifics with people, like nobody needs to know, like, to the tee what’s going on, but like, you could talk about, like, you know, I feel like, you know, we’re not having as much sex as we used to, like, did you ever feel like there were points in your marriage that like it was like, more or less or like, you know, like, What got you out of like, I think that’s I think that’s healthy and if you have like those people in your life, right? We talked about my person, my people, that it’s an intimate group that knows you and knows your intentions and knows your values. Like they’re gonna respect a conversation about that. And it’s, you know, not to be nosy or not… So I think you have to know who are the people that you can go to to talk about that.

Jordan 50:15
Yeah they’re all good thoughts are Well, thank you, everyone for joining us for this bonus conversation that we’re sharing with you. This wraps up season three. So as has been our custom at the end of any given season, we’re going to go off the air for the next several weeks, but we’ll be back live with you in June with the beginning of season four.

Rosanna 50:36
Thanks for joining us this season, guys. It’s been a lot of fun.

Jordan 50:38
Thank you, everyone.