In parenting, I am often faced with this contradiction of wanting our kids to grow up while simultaneously wanting to keep them little forever. As new parents, we can’t wait (and sometimes want to rush) milestones – sitting up, crawling, walking, solid foods, and so on. 

But we especially relish opportunities for our children’s increased independence, it’s other things, like playing out of our sight and even sending them to school. Why? Because the days are long, and so we are often looking for a little relief from the heavy lifting of child-rearing and the dependence our kids have on us. We think it’ll get easier, and the truth is that we trade one kind of hard for another. That truth really set in this past year.

I miss the days when they were all young enough to not know or understand the strife, fear, and hostility of the world outside our home. Gone are the days that I can completely shelter my kids from what is really going on in the world.

Parenting during a pandemic sure has had its ups and downs. But, one of the most eye-opening parenting experiences during all of this has been navigating the political climate this past year.

We realized this back in May after the death of George Flyod and previously Breonna Taylor. When people around the nation, and even in our local community, decided to peacefully protest, we decided to move beyond the season of parenting that “ear-muffed” or watered down the hard topics.

Conversations of race, privilege, protests, and injustice were topics we HAD to broach with our kids. Although sweet little Roman who is only two is still blissfully ignorant to the outside world, we had our big three to think about. And, during this time, we HAD to step up and really engage.

I’ll admit, it was scary. Unchartered territory for us in our parenting journey. So we did our very best to talk to our kids by giving them brief, child-appropriate conversations and explanations of what had happened and what was going on. We shared our feelings, beliefs, and values with them, as openly and honestly as we knew how. We made an attempt to shift from sheltered parenting to proactive parenting. We intentionally created a space for questions, concerns, fears, and feelings. And, while we hadn’t solved all the problems of the world, we continued to reassure our children that everything would be ok as we empowered them with the truth of one of their favorite books, The Lorax: “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”

Watching our kids process this wasn’t easy. Especially when as a parent, you don’t have all the answers.

Fast forward a couple more months and we found ourselves in the same position again with the 46th Presidential Election. This wasn’t something we could ignore or brush past. We HAD to engage. It became pretty evident that even if we didn’t openly discuss with our children who we were voting for and why, the rest of the world wasn’t holding back.

I was thankful for our oldests’ teacher who did a phenomenal job educating her fifth grade class about the branches of government, the job of the Electoral College, the importance of democracy and voting, and some other really great knowledge on our government and democracy. I mean, seriously, our little brainiac definitely knew more than me. Am I smarter than a 5th grader? Probably not! He even got a chance to participate in a mock election in his class and across the entire fifth grade based on information provided on each candidate.

We were chatting about all of this during our family dinner time, and then things got tense. In talking about his mock elections, and which candidate won amongst his grade, and who he voted for, he asked us who we were voting for. When our son realized that he voted for someone different from us, HE LOST IT. Full blown melt-down. It took some time, but we got to the heart of the matter. He thought he messed it up. He thought he did it wrong. He thought we’d be disappointed in him. He thought he let us down.

It forced another real, child-appropriate conversation with some great takeaways:

1.   People Can Disagree

We don’t have to agree on everything to be friends. Just because we disagree, doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t love you. If you like broccoli, but your friend doesn’t, that doesn’t mean that you have to stop liking broccoli or stop being friends.

2.   Put Yourself In Someone Else’s Shoes

One of my favorite books from when I taught High School English was To Kill a Mockingbird. Atticus Finch’s most iconic statements, “You never really know a man until you stand in his shoes and walk around in them” still rings true. Can we challenge our kids to consider someone else’s ideas, feelings, situation, even if it is different than ours? Only then will we teach our children compassion, understanding, and humility.

3.   Don’t Shout

Learning to stay calm despite strong feelings is an important skill. Teaching our kids to communicate in a productive way that can avoid triggering more negativity and hostility in others is important. See a post you don’t agree with online, try scrolling past it. And realizing that shouting or shaming others does not help change anyone’s mind.

4.   Be the Change

We are never too young to get into the arena. Kids need to be taught that they are not powerless to effect change. Ask your kids, “What can we do?” We have the ability to model what to do, and can do it together as a family. 

5.   Teach Kids How to Search for the Truth

Where are kids getting their information from? From peers? Adults? The news? Do they know how to consider bias? Are they just blindly accepting what they hear from others? It’s our job to show them how to find the truth and the answers they are looking for to be accurately informed and to make good judgements.

So here we are, the day after a day of remembrance for Martin Luther King, Jr., and  on the eve of the Inauguration of the 46th President of the United States. There will undoubtedly be more questions, more conversations, and more teachable moments about history, democracy, and government — among other things.

Life is hard. So is growing up. We forget that. Let us remember our kids today. This last year for them has been hard. Lots of change, lots of restrictions, and lots of emotions. Harder still for the ones that understand what they are missing, what they are fearing, and how they are feeling. Love them a little harder today, hold them a little closer, model for them what a good citizen, friend, and neighbor looks like, and remind them to be the change they want to see.

And if your littles ones are in fact still too little to understand – tell them anyway!